These days have been really hard for me. It is that I have my period and it always be a challenging time to keep connected with Allah and stay calm amidst the storm. It is because the new normal and long distance learning require extra effort and innovation in creating lesson. As a consequence, teachers must also be content creator, vlogger, and actor at the same time to create learning materials :”)

Besides, I usually find tranquility by ablution (wudhu) and/or read just some words. It is hard to just learn from Ummi Makki that we are only allowed to perform wudhu during this period twice, before sleep and before taking ‘bath’ (idk what that term really is in english). Anyway, it makes me feel uneasy sometimes. Because I love wudhu, there is a sense of peacefulness. Moreover, during Ramadhan, I take wudhu like almost whole time. I take a bath every time prayer. This feels strange. I cant take wudhu. This makes me unable to focus and think clearly. Things got worse and ugly, when I decided to make second account from Muamalat as saving (no ATM closed account). I used to have one, which is called Hajj account and I have already used it last year for umrah :”) Though I have saved one again for future hajj inshaALLah. But this time I want to make a saving only and things become so blurry because I dont know what to say. You know when the teller made mistake, and you gotta come back due to the teller’s mistake and you know it is long way to get there. I feel uneasy bcs our private information is not appropriately used and thus, it becomes unethical conduct. Though I understand, there could be two reasons; one, it is purely a mistake; second, one creates mistake on purpose but then attempts to act too much (astaghfirullah, yang awalnya mikir ini baik banget sampai mau ke sini biar aku ga perlu ke bank lagi tapi kemudian jadi mikir strange, karena ditanya ibu bapak dan mba hati-hati lho modus penipuan eh tapi jadi mikir modus apa lagi nih penipuan apa ada maunya kenapa jadi kemana-mana sampai kepo kerja di mana dan sedihnya sudah dicuekin ga mau jawab tp orangnya tahu aja ngajar di mana horror. Kalau isna versi innocent galak dan pro udah lapor ke bank ini unethical ada permintaan transfer pula sama manner yang kepo terang-terangan ini sangat tidak nyaman tapi sadar juga pasti orangnya bisa kena teguran atau kena sanksi kasihan tak tegalah baru sekali ini deh bisa kaya gini ada dokumen missed di-ttd dan lain-lain sampai dihuungi personal begini (when i realize how strange this could be, just end this drama. Sejujurnya ada sedikit kecewa atas kejadian ini karena saya adalah nasabah setia Muamalat dari jaman mahasiswa akhir tergerak bikin tabungan muamalat jaman itu belum hits sekarang bank syariah lainnya).

But, as Allah said, “Verily, within hardship there is ease.” During this hard moment of finding tranquility, I am glad that I have found those ayah of tranquility (when I came across to this recitation which makes me calm). So, when I feel anxious or having hard time to think clearly, I listen to it (esp when I am not even allowed to read the ayah during this time). Besides, Ust Faris have his tafsir class during Ramadhan about it, such a coincidence well there is no such thing :” Hopefully I could share the ayah next time. Lovely ayah.

Then, alhamdulillah, because of pandemic, so many conferences and summits are conducted online. Even before the first case was found in Indonesia, European countries have undergone lockdown and there have been so many online opportunities. One of them was Raising Rigtheous Muslim Summit. It was a great one from Pearls Education which then introduces me to Fitrah movement by Kathryn Jones, Healthy Muslimah by Karen, Sarah Sulthan, Celebrate Mercy Yaqeen Institue and all the speakers and scholars. The most amazing thing is, when school was closed and we didnt get to do daily Quran revision (and I believe it is for good), amazingly, so many online opportunities are open. So, looking back to the days when I really want to resign and re-direct my life, re-arrange priorities. One day when I followed several days of Quran camp in Bogor. Then, I miss that moment, that tranquility. But then, I realize there is no place for me :” Even if I decided to live in the dorm they won’t let me in bcs I work. I remember searching one of the requirement is age :” Fortunately, during the hopelessness, I suddenly found my self in a telegram group with people talking in Arabic. I was clueless, dont know who brought me here. Masha Allah :”) It was a Quran learning group with Ustadha from Middle East. My life is so random :”) Alhamdulillah. But, it is really hard for me though bcs I know little tiny of Arabic, Idk what they are talking about most of the time. :”) But, I am glad Allah sent me there and open some doors, like surprisingly.

Dan ternyata ini nyambung juga sama pertemuan halaqah akhir pekan kemarin, ketika ada seorang teman bertanya “Mengapa Rasulullah berkhalwat menyendiri di gua? Isnt it so weird? Aneh nggak sih kalau sekarang ada orang seperti itu?” Setelah dipikir-pikir, kita selama dirumahaja sebenarnya sedang menduplikasi sistem khalwat jaman now (karantina) ya sebenarnya konsepnya mirip bedanya bukan di gua tapi di rumah masing-masing. Jawaban murobbiah pun masya Allah. Fitrah manusia itu menuju kebaikan. Pada saat itu kondisi sangat jahiliyah, sehingga Rasulullah menenangkan diri dengan berkhalwat menjauhi kejahiliyyahan. Dan ternyata itu mungkin yang pernah kurasakan merasa terasing di tempat ini, di kota metropolitan ini, merasa jengah dengan kehidupan materialis di gedung pencakar langit itu. Sampai suatu ketika, aku menempuh ujung ke ujung demi menghadiri sebuah forum tentang Khadijah, aku naik bus, aku yang masih buta arah di sini, hujan lebat. Sampai di tempat, sesi tanya jawab (itu pulang kerja padahal di saat peak season). Masha Allah itu fitrah manusia, kita butuh siraman rohani, sekedar duduk di masjidnya saja sudah terasa tenang meski hujan-hujanan dan hanya kebagian sesi tanya jawab. Meski pikiran sudah semrawut oleh deadline dan segala urusan klien. Namun, aku tak pernah lupa masa itu. Masa di mana aku berada dalam kegelapan dan berjuang mencari secercah lilin dioper kelompok liqo sampai randomly ditransfer ke kelompok yang isinya anak-anak lulus SMA (ini kayanya yang mencarikan kelompok mengiraku anak lulus SMA kelahiran 1999-2000 alhamdulillah setelah berjalan sekian lama bertemu dengan kelompok yang setidaknya lebih mature). Sampai sekarang aku mungkin adalah outlier dari para perantau yang nyasar di kota ini yang sekilas mungkin random sekali hidupnya tapi sesungguhnya this is part of Allah’s wills :”)

Today, I mean, yesterday, we have just changed day, The Healthy Muslimah Summit has just started. I know Karen from Healthy Muslimah during te summit–Raising Righteous Muslim early this year. I love this summit because it just comes at the right moment when I need sometime to reflect and find calmness to reconnect with Allah and myself. Alhamdulillahibini’matihitatimmushshalihat. I want to share my notes/resumes from my handwriting but I am kind of exhausted and I still have to learn for today’s video shoot for Tadabbur Series for the kids. It makes me anxious to be honest, to share the stories and messages of the Quran for those kids 3-5 years old :”) I have searched videos on youtube and I cant hardly find any reference bcs most of them are for adults not really applicable for kids to easily understand.. So please pray for me. May Allah guide me to deliver it into their hearts.

I just want to share highlight from the summit I learnt today (yesterday):

My fave part from Day 1 is from Ustadha Sarah Sulthan (a psychologist who used to talked in yaqeen with Imam Omar Suleiman). This is the reminder from her:

Feeling disconnected: filling the void

“In it is a void that cannot be filled except by His love, turning to Him, always remembering Him and being sincere to Him. Were a person to be given the entire world and everything in it, that would never feel the void.”

Striving for acceptance is a normal human experience cz even Rasulullah SAW experienced this until Allah said, We know you are saddened O Muhammad, that this is hard for you. We know you have fear for them (kuffar) but know that Allah has more rights of fear if you are true believer.

What is the solution?

Sarah Sulthan said:

HOLDING ON THE ROPE OF ALLAH

Yaa Muqallibal Quluub tsabbit qalbi ‘ala diniik.

The hearts of people are between the fingers of Allah. Acknowledge that the validation of others are in the hands of Allah. If we truly want acceptance, it starts by being true to the ONE who created us. :”

“Don’t confuse your worth in the Eyes of Allah with the worth in the eyes of people.” (Sarah Sulthan)

Allah.